Personal Inventory from a day of recollection given to the Order of Penance July 2009:Since you have asked me to be your bishop I have agreed to speak to you today about me! Not a good sign that my first formation talk after being consecrated is all about me, right? Well, I promise this will be just as grueling for me as it is for you! In fact I’m only doing this at the request of the sisters! After lunch, back to important topics like the preaching of Jesus! I’ve taken a personal inventory I wrote in 2007 and updated it when necessary. I wrote this inventory for a bishop who had asked the Order of Penance to minister to a group of Benedictine Oblates. The bishop wanted to know more about the young and feisty priest who’d be preaching. I’m happy to be able to present this personal inventory to you today. I hope it gives you a better idea of my personal thought on some aspects of spirituality that don’t get much talk time from the pulpit, namely my own feelings and opinions.
My Personal Spiritual Orientation:
I think that my present spiritual orientation can be best summarized in the exchange between Jesus and the Samarian woman at the well, as recorded in John’s Gospel. Like the woman, I have been raised to understand that “proper” worship of God involves a physical temple and ritual only. Whereas my childhood faith was much more spiritual and mystical, I spent a number of years in my young adulthood understanding faith as ritual and loyalty to law and sacramental discipline. In recent years I have tried to recapture the pliant faith of my youth and add to this faith a maturity of experience. I am striving to worship the Father, now, in Spirit and Truth as in the Gospel tells us we should. I want the Father to “claim” me as His worshipper as Jesus says He will if I worship Him as a Spirit.
It has been a struggle to arrive in this spiritual place. It was not easy to shake off the rigidity of my conditioning as a “devout Catholic.” My years of study of Tradition, Liturgy, and Doctrine truly blinded me to the Spirit of God. Like Saint Paul, it took Christ and the Gospel to shake that conditioning and loosen that rigidity and allow me to begin to gain my sight. Seeing by faith provides a more crisp view of the world than seeing by the eyes of flesh alone. It wasn’t until I believed the Gospel (instead of simply studying it), that I acknowledged just how much I didn’t know about the Love of God. It was the revelation of the Gospel that permitted me to “see” the Father through the lens of Christ. Seeing God as revealed by His Son for the first time frees a person.
I was someone who believed that I had a “deep” faith because of my knowledge of “church.” When one thinks he has traveled very far on his spiritual journey only to look behind and see a few short steps have been taken and to then look ahead and see a seemingly unending path, it forces a person to stop and reevaluate his life. I examined my spiritual journey and realized that I was headed not toward God and eternal life, but toward the “institution” called church and spiritual death. I had to stop taking the steps that I chose to take (because I sought the recognition of man) and start searching for the footprints of Christ with the hopes of placing my feet in the shadow of his Love.
My spiritual orientation, then, is of a person seeking to find true, Divine Love. I am looking to worship in Spirit and Truth by living the Gospel and honoring the traditions handed down to me by people of Spirit and Truth. I have come to a place where my spiritual worship has lifted up my ritual worship. I finally realize that the Christ is Lord of the Sabbath and giver of the law and His commands transcend tradition, but do not eliminate it.
I seek to minister to a community who desires to worship in Spirit and Truth first and express that worship in sacrament when necessary.
How has being involved in a movement that is not directly under the jurisdiction of the Pope changed your ministry?
I searched for a community that possessed valid apostolic succession and the sacraments, a healthy devotion to the Blessed Virgin and the traditions of the Catholic Church, an organized administration, a sense of community among bishops and clergy, and an ecumenical outlook with respect to ministry. I believe that the independent Catholic movement not only possesses these elements, but can guide me and teach me to grow in my understanding of those who feel cut off from the church in some way and minister better to the marginalized. Isn’t that what Jesus does? I know in my heart that the canonical nonsense involved in no way diminishes this ministry.
Who are your spiritual role models?
There are many. here are a few...
Dominic de Guzman
One would expect a Dominican to mention Holy Father Dominic when speaking about the people he admires. For me though, it is not the person of Dominic I admire, but the gifts he possessed. In particular Dominic possessed fervor for souls. He taught us that to truly be a member of Christ’s body, one has to spend himself utterly with all his strength in winning souls for God. He would spend hours at night before the altar crying and questioning aloud, “What Lord, will become of sinners?” Dominic loved God so much that he took on the pain God felt when a child was lost. It was because he shared in this pain that he fought so hard for the conversion of sinners. He labored for the Gospel because he believed that no formula for wining souls was more perfect than the formula of Jesus Christ. Dominic wanted to bring those in darkness into the Light of Christ’s Gospel because he knew that once a child felt the love given by Jesus, the warmth of the Father would be too comforting to ever want to venture out into the cold again.
I pray that I can share the same gifts given to Dominic. I pray for the ability to balance my zeal for the Gospel with the humility of a servant…an ability that God nearly brought to perfection in His servant Dominic.
Paul the Apostle
The great Apostle’s example has been a driving force behind my ministry. I see Paul’s strength as something to admire, because he draws his strength from Christ. He is not afraid to assert his rights as an apostle, nor is he afraid to tell his listeners that his call came directly from God and not from man. Paul gives us an example of how to truly trust God.
I want to possess the same trust in God that Paul possesses. He understands his rights as an apostle but accepts the responsibility to live the commands of Christ. Paul reminds us that in accepting Christ’s testimony and becoming partakers in the divine nature, we must behave as responsible heirs of the kingdom. I have leaned on Paul’s advice in developing my “style” as a minister and preacher. His writings help me to gain needed insight into the Gospel of Christ.
Martin Luther
I suppose it’s not every day that a Catholic cites Martin Luther as a role model. For me, though, he is a model of courage. I tend to separate his early years from his later years, in my admiration for him. Some of his later “theologies” are problematic for me, but his initial response to the abuses of the church hierarchy is inspiring to me. I can see his great love for the Church and respect for God’s great love. I think Luther wanted to show that God is mercy and so the hierarchy must be mercy also. I agree with much of Luther’s early thought. I think that he “nailed it” with the 95 theses, pun intended.
Luther had a lot of choices to make. He was content with his priesthood and his spiritual practice. He was obedient to the church hierarchy and operated as ordered in his ministry, until he was exposed to the Gospel of Christ. After “hearing” directly from Christ the commands of discipleship, Luther made adherence to the Will of the Father by the commands of the Son his first priority. He sought to teach the faithful the joys of the Gospel. He was willing to suffer rejection from the hierarchy because he knew that no man could take him from the love of God in Christ.
I look to Luther’s courage and his willingness to sacrifice his own spiritual comfort to do the work of God. It takes a lot to give up your life (at least life as you knew it) to turn and follow the Gospel. Martin Luther did exactly that…gave up his entire religious life to follow Christ. I hope that I can live that same courage. I pray for the strength to continue to choose obedience to the Gospel rather than choose to be comfortable. I hope that I can always choose to preach Truth, and that I never sacrifice Truth to make people “feel” comfortable. I pray that I always seek to be acceptable to God and never cower in order to be accepted by man.
Phoenix
In 1998 I met one of the most dynamic people I had ever experienced. Phoenix was a college student at Rowan University. From the moment we came into each other’s lives, we knew that we would each be changed forever. Without holding you hostage as I describe five years of friendship, I’ll give you an idea of some of the effects that Phoenix had on my life.
Before meeting Phoenix I was so rigid and judgmental that I’m surprised that I was even able to keep an acquaintance, let alone an amazing friend like Phoenix. It was very difficult for me to relax because I was always too worried about what others thought of me. Having grown up the rebel child, then having the life changing contact with the Gospel Christ that turned me into a mini-disciple and then later living in a very controlling seminary environment, I had become paranoid about doing anything that could be considered “wrong” in the eyes of…well, in the eyes of whoever happened to be looking at me at that moment. I was so concerned with putting forward an acceptable appearance, that I was hardly conscious of my own emotions or needs. At some point I’ll talk more about the abuse I suffered from priests which was a major factor in my development, but today isn’t that day. Let’s just say that by my early twenties I had become cold enough to make a penguin shiver.
Phoenix showed me how to love myself and how to love other people honestly; and taught me to at least try to trust others. It is because of Phoenix that I have come to appreciate self-expression and come to value the uniqueness of individuals. This dynamic and loving person helped to loosen my social rigidity the same way that Christ’s Gospel loosened my spiritual rigidity. Phoenix was always a calming factor in my life. Just when I would be ready to “fly off the handle” about some problem, Phoenix was quick to remind me that “it wasn’t that deep.” Because of Phoenix's positive outlook on life it was hard to be in the same room and not feel love and joy. That spirit was intoxicating. Phoenix also taught me how to simply “be me” and not worry about how other people viewed me.
This completely wonderful person taught me so much about life, love, happiness, and self, but because I was always so slow to realize the beauty of the gifts I had right before my eyes and because years of abuse left a very deep pain in my soul, I didn’t understand just how to love and be loved in a healthy way. My inability to really “be okay” caused me to subconsciously keep people at such emotional distance that by the time I would realize I was hurting someone, it was often too late. I never showed Phoenix how much I appreciated his friendship and his spirit. In fact, I often took advantage of his unconditional friendship. After about five years, Phoenix had enough. He deserved unconditional love in return for his friendship. Because I refused to give up the remnants of my post-abuse trust issues, rigidity and fear of control, I lost an amazing friend. I learned too late.
It may seem like this example is filled with regret. Not so. I look back on my friendship with Phoenix as a great gift from God in many ways. I thank God for the years he spent putting up with an emotional wreck of a friend and roommate and for the lessons he taught me…but most of all, I thank God for allowing me to feel the pain of a lost friendship. It is a great mercy that God used this pain of loss to give me a preview of the eternal pain I would feel if I didn’t learn how to love…not just other humans, but God.
All of the wonderful things I remember of Phoenix are just lesser traits of God. Whereas man has a limit to the love he can give, God’s love is unlimited. He sometimes reminds us of our earthly pain so that He can teach us how to avoid eternal pain. His techniques are clearly visible when we look closely enough, sometimes using “reverse psychology” to teach us to make better decisions, God helps us to understand the causes of pain to teach us how to find the things that bring joy.
God also rewards those who learn His lessons. He “makes all things new” and gives us the ability to redeem past sin. Just as Jesus asked Peter to confirm his love for Christ three times on the shore before the ascension, so that Peter could redeem his three denials, God has made it possible for me to love others better. God has given me the joy of being able to make up for my failings in my friendship with Phoenix by bringing me many new and amazing friendships, relationships that have been lasting and loving friendships. I have been blessed with so many wonderful loves.
I’ve written and talked a lot in these examples about how many people have influenced my life. Really, it’s not so much those specific persons who have had such impact on me as much as it is simply the hand of God touching me, the mouth of God speaking to me, the humor of God bringing me joy, and the love of God showering on me…through those people. If you listen closely enough to a person’s heartbeat, you can hear singing in heaven…try it.
What words describe your most important ideas concerning ministry?
Charity…
One must operate with love of neighbor in mind. Without love, as Saint Paul reminds us, we have nothing. I find myself concerned most for charity. My process of maturing in faith has had much to do with charity…with love. In the past I was quick to judge a person, placing the law and tradition of church before the heart of a child of God. I was little concerned with bringing people to experience the love of God and more concerned with aligning people with the norms of worship and discipline. God has had to take an extreme approach in showing me the importance of charity. I’ve not only been the victim of great hatred, but I have been confronted with the results of my actions when I act without charity. Pursuing charity in all things is most important to me.
Equity in Access to learning…
I was a religion teacher for grammar school students for more than fifteen years. For the last few years I have had the opportunity to form adults in the faith. This experience has given me a first-hand view of poor catechesis. The lack of opportunities for adult faith formation astounds me. The misunderstanding demonstrated by many of my fellow Catholics concerning core truths of the faith never ceases to amaze me.
It’s become important to me to offer as many opportunities for catechesis as possible. If there is a need for a particular course on a topic in which I’m not well-versed, I believe that it’s my duty to acquire the necessary knowledge to help the faithful.
I know that there is a need to offer courses that are designed with the laity in mind; however I believe that the laity should have access to the same theology to which the clergy has access.
Self-expression…
I believe there is a beauty in diversity. I am always moved by the many ways people express themselves, especially in terms of their faith. I believe that it’s important to encourage people to express themselves and explore their individual path to God. I also believe that ministers have a duty to ensure that those entrusted to them express themselves in healthy ways, but a minister can ensure this healthy expression by dealing with the faithful in all charity.
How have these words affected my spirituality and search for life’s meaning?
My personal spirituality is more mystical than anything. I find that the individual, intimate encounters with God’s presence are the spiritual experiences that carry me through life. I’ve learned to thirst for closeness with the Father. I have found that God reveals more Truth to me when I contemplate His great love than when I engage in formal study of theology, although I enjoy formal study also. I have found that I would rather experience God directly than to learn about God through secondary sources. It is after I contemplate and experience God’s presence that those secondary sources become more useful to my ministry.
I used to think that I had to search myself to find God, but now I realize that I have to search God to find myself. For me, life becomes more meaningful when you share the experience of God’s love and forgiveness with others.
Because my preaching is sometimes uh…bold? …I was asked if there was any reason why the church might be offended, embarrassed or scandalized by my preaching or my life in general! I know some of the sisters stay up nights asking that same question about me! Well…
It’s hard to really determine what might offend or embarrass another. It’s even harder to try to predict what will scandalize someone else. What I can say is that I have no reason to hide anything in my past. All of my past actions and decisions have led me to a beautiful place of self-knowledge and confidence in God’s mercy. I can hide nothing from God, so I certainly am not afraid to speak of my entire past to any man. I have had those same highs and lows and made the same mistakes that any man on an honest journey to God makes and experiences. I learn from my past and hope to help others grow from hearing about the times I have fallen and the times that God has lifted me up.
What’s important in the ministry of the OPD and to you as a priest?
Woe to me if I do not preach the Gospel! I know that I am called to preach and to teach the Gospel. It is for this reason that I began teaching at such an early age and that I entered seminary and it is for this reason that I helped to form the OPD. Whereas those other areas of ministry, i.e. liturgical and counseling duties, are attractive to me also, it is because I feel a duty to preach the Gospel and to teach people that their sins are forgiven, that I entered ordained ministry.
Since I have been asked a lot of questions about different ministries of the OPD and most of those questions concern the gay outreach ministry I engage in every week I think it’s important to talk about that. Many of you have asked that I explain my reasons for engaging that particular ministry as a bishop and I will consider that request only because of the current lack of understanding in the community about sexual morality issues. I will preach more about this topic in the future, but for now I want to give you my personal response to the same question I ask the new kids who join the bible study I conduct in the gay outreach ministry:
How have you dealt with your own sexuality? Do you believe that your sexuality is in conformity with God’s Love and God’s plan in your life?
I think it’s more appropriate to say that my sexuality has dealt with me. Over my thirty-three years of life I have come to understand that one can neither deny nor succumb to his sexuality. Saint Dominic tells that we must be in control of our passions or they will control us. In the same way Paul reminds us that whereas everything is “lawful” for him, not everything is beneficial. The Apostle makes it clear that he will not permit anything but the Love of God in Christ to dominate him.
I have come to appreciate my sexuality as a gift from God. I can also see how evil can pervert this gift. I have seen what can happen when purely sexual desires cloud one’s decisions and determine one’s actions. The outcome is usually far removed from the presence of God. I am in a place right now where I am wholly comfortable with my sexuality and embrace it; however sexual desire and sexual activity have become so less important than doing the work of God that I find little distraction regarding sex in my ministry. Although, I couldn’t say that in my early twenties! I am not ashamed of my struggles with sexual temptation because those experiences have helped God to form me. To deny or wish those past temptations away would be to risk unraveling God’s weaving of my life.
In terms of Scripture and God’s revelation in my life, I see a much greater chance at bringing myself into sin by an act of judgment against another person, than by an act of sex. Because sex is a gift from God, it cannot be intrinsically evil. For me to teach that idea amounts to error and is dangerous. We must not, however, become gluttonous in receiving the gift of sex or any gift from God. We must also not hurt others by that gift. For me the evil comes when we pervert the mind into thinking that something that comes from the Heart of God will separate us from Him. To say that would be to turn God into a minister of sin. Because of my experiences being abused sexually by priests as a child, it has been very difficult to arrive at a place where I can even talk openly about sexual issues. Ministering to youth who are struggling with sexual issues is important to me because I intimately understand their pain and struggle. I will not ever say that my abuse was God’s will, but I know that He has used my ministry to help me heal and to help others heal from sexual abuse.
I think that, as a disciple, one must be very compassionate in dealing with matters involving sexuality. I know first-hand how painful it is to be taught that something in your nature is evil. The feelings that come from believing that God has placed something in your heart that will damn you can cause you to reject God. To me, teaching a person that a part of their nature will lead to rejection from God will cause a self-fulfilling prophesy. The person will fail to strive to do God’s will in other matters because he feels that his “evil” tendencies are insurmountable and his damnation is impending anyway. This can lead to terrible loss for everyone involved, not least of all for God who will lose a child.
In dealing with all people, I believe ministers must never lose sight that the ultimate goal is to bring the sheep through the sheep-gate. In order for the sheep to follow you, they must know that you will protect them. If they do not hear love in your voice, they will sense danger and scatter. I never want to be a shepherd who scatters his sheep, especially in matters of dealing with sexuality. As a bishop I will never shy away from preaching about sensitive sexual issues. There may be times when I will preach about sexual morality or talk about current events that concern sexual topics, but I will always be careful to speak with honesty and love in these areas.
The sexual tension that exists in our church is…well it’s befuddling to me. We need to “grow up” and stop feeling like sex is a taboo subject in church. Our youth need appropriate direction concerning matters of sexuality and it seems they are not getting direction from the mainstream church so we should all commit to being open to discuss the subject of sexuality! If that is something you are not comfortable hearing from me as your bishop, I will try my best to be sensitive when talking about such things. Woe to me if I do not preach the Gospel. The Gospel involves loving all people and bringing them to God. Sexual morality confusion is responsible for too many casualties in our young people. I’m going to try to work to lower the number of spiritual casualties related to sexual morality confusion. So be ready to help me with that task if you are willing to!
