(adapted from a talk given to Lay Dominicans in May 2006 and again to the OPD Community in 2009)
Today I want to talk about life’s scars. I will encourage you to think about the most painful and formative moments of your life. I will ask you to take a mental inventory of those moments and then to try to identify the symbolism of the events of your life. I believe that our lives are part of a mythology that has existed since the beginning of time. In the same way that we study the life stories of many of history’s great ones, we should know our own history. I believe it is important for you to make the story of your life, truly your own story. By taking an inventory of the pivotal points in your development, you can begin to understand why your life has taken you down certain paths; and you can begin to heal any old wounds you may have.
Your memory is important. It is how you populate your mental heaven, so I think it is important for you to protect your memory. Since some of the “elder” sisters gave me the “you’re a young punk” eyes when I gave a similar talk a few years ago, let me explain what I mean. I’m not speaking of battling forgetfulness. Think of your memory as a book shelf and your memories as the volumes on the shelf. You have only so much room to store the books that are important to you. If this bookshelf was the legacy you leave to the world, would you not do your best to choose only the volumes that tell your story in the truest light? Today I want to talk about purging your bookshelf of less important volumes that either do not lend true light to the life you’ve lived or that add unnecessary mental pain to the process of living your life.
I am not recommending denial as a healing strategy, quite the contrary. I am suggesting that you take a deep look into the events that have made you the person who you are today. This introspection however should be approached as a mythological study rather than simply a stroll down memory lane. I want you to really know who you are and then to take ownership of your identity. How can you live your story if you don’t know what it is?
One of my favorite poets is William Wordsworth. When asked why he wrote poetry he explained that he wanted to create what he called “spots of time.” He wrote poems about the times, people, and places that brought him his greatest joys so that later in life he could re-read those poems in times of stress and be transported back to the place of the poem and relieve his momentary stress. This is a technique that can be quite powerful. I think that many people create negative spots of time without realizing it.
Wordsworth’s formula can help you heal from past pains and at the same time help you understand your own story. What spots of time are important in your life? What moments do you relive time and time again? If your spots of time are more painful than positive, I bet it is because you haven’t identified the most powerful moments in your mythological life path. If you were writing a mythological story about your life character, what events would be important to include? If I were to ask you to identify 12 spots of time that tell your story, what would those 12 stories be?
If this exercise is to really benefit you it has to be something that is honest. By that I mean that you can’t simply choose to ignore the pitfalls and mistakes and tell only the sunshine and daisies version of your life. Would the story of Jesus in the gospels be real if it didn’t include the passion and struggle? Would anyone in pain benefit from a Jesus who never had a painful experience?
Let me tell you about one of my spots of time as an example: My first memory is of my Mom. The first face I remember seeing in this life is my mother’s and that memory is the most important memory I have. It is a memory that is pure love and healing. In the memory I am about three years old. I can remember walking up the stairs of our house. I found my mother putting clean laundry in my dresser drawers. I was running to find her to show her that a scab on my right elbow had fallen off. I don’t remember how I got cut. She looked at me and said, “See, it’s all better now.” As simple a memory as that may be, it may be my happiest memory. I think it is the only memory I have that is completely free of any of the struggles that are part of the relationships we experience in this life. It is a time I can remember true immediate healing. In the years of childhood that followed it seemed as though many of the emotional wounds that today still scar my life didn’t heal so easily.
I’ve tried to imagine how I got that scar so often. Sometimes I think that it may have been my first cut and it was probably the first time I saw my own blood. It was probably the first time I experienced pain. I can imagine how my young mother must have reacted. She probably wanted so badly to take away that pain that she begged God to let her feel it and not me. She probably wished so hard to take on that pain so that I didn’t even remember it. Well, she got her wish. I don’t remember it. I’ve tried, but I just can’t. They say that the first cut is the deepest and most painful. I can’t remember mine. I can only remember my mom telling me it was all better.
Do you remember your first fall? Do you remember your first cut or how it was healed? I have found that one of the easiest ways to heal from new wounds is to remember old scars. I think it is important to understand your scars. In the same way I think that it is important to remember the people and situations that help you heal from painful wounds. These memories of healing can help evict the memories of pain from your mind. I instinctively created a powerful spot of time that highlighted healing rather than pain (the memory of my scab falling off and my mother telling me it was all better). The pain however is the fulcrum of the memory in many ways. Take away the pain of falling and bleeding and the memory has no meaning---no significance. The pain, however, is not the lesson---the ability to heal is the lesson. Perhaps my first memory is proof that we are born with the divine ability to forget past pain while retaining the lesson learned. That is an ability that is often reversed in adulthood. Often adults hold onto pain without ever learning the lesson it was meant to teach.
Today I encourage you to think about those wounds that still cause you pain and to replace them with more powerful spots of time. This cannot be healing if you try to ignore the pain and replace it with unconnected memories; instead you have to find a positive outcome of that pain and try to glean the mythological lesson from it. When you do find the real life lessons associated with your most painful memories, your mind will acknowledge that you no longer need to retain the painful memory, because you have learned its meaning.
When taking an inventory of your painful memories you may see patterns that repeat. If you can identify the lesson and create a positive, healing spot of time, you will find that you are less likely to repeat the patterns of pain that litter your life path. Then you will begin to purge your bookshelf of meaningless painful experiences and replace those with powerful life lessons that don’t deny the pain but instead highlight your ability to transcend it. These are the types of memories and stories that will not only help heal you, but others as well. You can especially heal negative patterns in your family by talking about your healing spots of time with your children and relatives. You can become the mythological hero of your own family by passing on your true and meaningful stories.
A thought on scars… I have a lot of scars from my youth. Some of those scars are physical but most are emotional. Scars though, are what remain after a wound heals. Scars are no longer wounds. Wounds bleed. Wounds cause pain. Scars are healed wounds. I think that scars are the key to understanding one’s readiness to live a healthy life. We have to wait for our scars. If we try to move too fast without letting our wounds heal all we do is cause deeper hurt. It’s like scratching at the scab and reopening the wound. In many ways my earliest and happiest memory of my mother represents the most important lesson I’ve learned in life: if we get hurt, it will heal if we let it. When I realized this I realized that no matter how badly my past hurt me, the fact that it is past means that I have survived it. My scar---whether an emotional or a physical one---is proof that I am healed.
Scars are important to our theology. I feel a close connection with the apostle Thomas not just because of my religious name. I have always admired the story in the gospels that has given the apostle the title “Doubting Thomas.” You all know that story. The resurrected Jesus appears before the apostles and Thomas refuses to believe it is the Lord until Jesus shows his scars. I believe this interaction had little to do with doubt. I believe that Thomas needed to know that Jesus was healed of his earthly pains. He needed to see those scars in the same way we need to see that the ones we love are healed. I think Thomas was showing us that to suffer and die is human, but to heal and live again is divine.
How can your scars become powerful healing spots of time that can help bring others to a place of healing?
Your memory is important. It is how you populate your mental heaven, so I think it is important for you to protect your memory. Since some of the “elder” sisters gave me the “you’re a young punk” eyes when I gave a similar talk a few years ago, let me explain what I mean. I’m not speaking of battling forgetfulness. Think of your memory as a book shelf and your memories as the volumes on the shelf. You have only so much room to store the books that are important to you. If this bookshelf was the legacy you leave to the world, would you not do your best to choose only the volumes that tell your story in the truest light? Today I want to talk about purging your bookshelf of less important volumes that either do not lend true light to the life you’ve lived or that add unnecessary mental pain to the process of living your life.
I am not recommending denial as a healing strategy, quite the contrary. I am suggesting that you take a deep look into the events that have made you the person who you are today. This introspection however should be approached as a mythological study rather than simply a stroll down memory lane. I want you to really know who you are and then to take ownership of your identity. How can you live your story if you don’t know what it is?
One of my favorite poets is William Wordsworth. When asked why he wrote poetry he explained that he wanted to create what he called “spots of time.” He wrote poems about the times, people, and places that brought him his greatest joys so that later in life he could re-read those poems in times of stress and be transported back to the place of the poem and relieve his momentary stress. This is a technique that can be quite powerful. I think that many people create negative spots of time without realizing it.
Wordsworth’s formula can help you heal from past pains and at the same time help you understand your own story. What spots of time are important in your life? What moments do you relive time and time again? If your spots of time are more painful than positive, I bet it is because you haven’t identified the most powerful moments in your mythological life path. If you were writing a mythological story about your life character, what events would be important to include? If I were to ask you to identify 12 spots of time that tell your story, what would those 12 stories be?
If this exercise is to really benefit you it has to be something that is honest. By that I mean that you can’t simply choose to ignore the pitfalls and mistakes and tell only the sunshine and daisies version of your life. Would the story of Jesus in the gospels be real if it didn’t include the passion and struggle? Would anyone in pain benefit from a Jesus who never had a painful experience?
Let me tell you about one of my spots of time as an example: My first memory is of my Mom. The first face I remember seeing in this life is my mother’s and that memory is the most important memory I have. It is a memory that is pure love and healing. In the memory I am about three years old. I can remember walking up the stairs of our house. I found my mother putting clean laundry in my dresser drawers. I was running to find her to show her that a scab on my right elbow had fallen off. I don’t remember how I got cut. She looked at me and said, “See, it’s all better now.” As simple a memory as that may be, it may be my happiest memory. I think it is the only memory I have that is completely free of any of the struggles that are part of the relationships we experience in this life. It is a time I can remember true immediate healing. In the years of childhood that followed it seemed as though many of the emotional wounds that today still scar my life didn’t heal so easily.
I’ve tried to imagine how I got that scar so often. Sometimes I think that it may have been my first cut and it was probably the first time I saw my own blood. It was probably the first time I experienced pain. I can imagine how my young mother must have reacted. She probably wanted so badly to take away that pain that she begged God to let her feel it and not me. She probably wished so hard to take on that pain so that I didn’t even remember it. Well, she got her wish. I don’t remember it. I’ve tried, but I just can’t. They say that the first cut is the deepest and most painful. I can’t remember mine. I can only remember my mom telling me it was all better.
Do you remember your first fall? Do you remember your first cut or how it was healed? I have found that one of the easiest ways to heal from new wounds is to remember old scars. I think it is important to understand your scars. In the same way I think that it is important to remember the people and situations that help you heal from painful wounds. These memories of healing can help evict the memories of pain from your mind. I instinctively created a powerful spot of time that highlighted healing rather than pain (the memory of my scab falling off and my mother telling me it was all better). The pain however is the fulcrum of the memory in many ways. Take away the pain of falling and bleeding and the memory has no meaning---no significance. The pain, however, is not the lesson---the ability to heal is the lesson. Perhaps my first memory is proof that we are born with the divine ability to forget past pain while retaining the lesson learned. That is an ability that is often reversed in adulthood. Often adults hold onto pain without ever learning the lesson it was meant to teach.
Today I encourage you to think about those wounds that still cause you pain and to replace them with more powerful spots of time. This cannot be healing if you try to ignore the pain and replace it with unconnected memories; instead you have to find a positive outcome of that pain and try to glean the mythological lesson from it. When you do find the real life lessons associated with your most painful memories, your mind will acknowledge that you no longer need to retain the painful memory, because you have learned its meaning.
When taking an inventory of your painful memories you may see patterns that repeat. If you can identify the lesson and create a positive, healing spot of time, you will find that you are less likely to repeat the patterns of pain that litter your life path. Then you will begin to purge your bookshelf of meaningless painful experiences and replace those with powerful life lessons that don’t deny the pain but instead highlight your ability to transcend it. These are the types of memories and stories that will not only help heal you, but others as well. You can especially heal negative patterns in your family by talking about your healing spots of time with your children and relatives. You can become the mythological hero of your own family by passing on your true and meaningful stories.
A thought on scars… I have a lot of scars from my youth. Some of those scars are physical but most are emotional. Scars though, are what remain after a wound heals. Scars are no longer wounds. Wounds bleed. Wounds cause pain. Scars are healed wounds. I think that scars are the key to understanding one’s readiness to live a healthy life. We have to wait for our scars. If we try to move too fast without letting our wounds heal all we do is cause deeper hurt. It’s like scratching at the scab and reopening the wound. In many ways my earliest and happiest memory of my mother represents the most important lesson I’ve learned in life: if we get hurt, it will heal if we let it. When I realized this I realized that no matter how badly my past hurt me, the fact that it is past means that I have survived it. My scar---whether an emotional or a physical one---is proof that I am healed.
Scars are important to our theology. I feel a close connection with the apostle Thomas not just because of my religious name. I have always admired the story in the gospels that has given the apostle the title “Doubting Thomas.” You all know that story. The resurrected Jesus appears before the apostles and Thomas refuses to believe it is the Lord until Jesus shows his scars. I believe this interaction had little to do with doubt. I believe that Thomas needed to know that Jesus was healed of his earthly pains. He needed to see those scars in the same way we need to see that the ones we love are healed. I think Thomas was showing us that to suffer and die is human, but to heal and live again is divine.
How can your scars become powerful healing spots of time that can help bring others to a place of healing?
I have chosen to include the work of art "St. Sebastian" by Pierre et Gilles because the story of Sebastian's martyrdom has always given me courage to live through the pains of life's arrows. If you do not know the saint's story you can learn more here.
